Trying
~Sleep was the closest thing to death for me. My depression had sunk me to a darkness that could rival an old country road. I would black out the windows with heavy blankets so I didn’t see the sun. I didn’t want to know what time of day it was. I had no care for the outside world. The four walls of my bedroom had me deceptively trapped inside. At the time, my prayers to God were to please, please take me permanently from this earth. I didn’t want to be on it anymore. It just hurt too much.
~The demons I was trying to keep down were resurfacing with a vengeance. They were mad at me for the years of neglect and ignorance. They wanted to be heard but I played deaf. They wanted to show themselves to me but I played blind. I pretended for more than a decade that they didn’t exist. But, when lupus showed up and invaded my life, I had nothing but endless hours of time. Time to recollect. Time to cry. Time to mourn. The emotional toll did defeat me.
~I can’t remember the hour or the day I finally got out of bed. I do remember how the sun hurt my eyes though. When I opened the front door and stepped outside, the light burned. I had remained in my cocoon perhaps a little too long. Like all new butterflies, it would take me a little while to gain the full use of my wings. To collect my bearings. A ton of praying and counseling. It can be much easier to retreat back to isolation. To work through pain and trauma takes tremendous strength and sometimes I just didn’t have it in me.
~Good thing is I never pray that prayer anymore. I know God wants me living for now. I remind myself daily that my life is a gift. I continue on with the journey of healing myself. There may not be a cure for lupus, fibro, or PTSD, but I can wake up everyday and be thankful I am still here. I keep in mind the things I still have, not the things I have lost. After all, butterflies’ moments are brief. I do want to fly with joy and purpose. So, I must go on and fight the good butterfly fight. I am a warrior and with God by my side, no matter what happens I will be ok.
#StayStrong #DarknessWillFade #LupusButterfly #LupusLove #LupusWarrior #LupusMariposa©
