Trust Your Gut

“Never apologize for trusting your intuition–Your brain can play tricks, your heart can blind, but your gut is always right.” ~Rachel Wolchin

~I was sitting in the sterile grey room anxiously awaiting another doctor. I can’t remember if it was the fourth or fifth doctor I had seen that year. But, this time I was trying to stay hopeful that this visit will be different than the others. I have been sick now going on 3 years and not one doctor so far could figure out why. I was starting to feel like a pin cushion (if a pin cushion had feelings?) I had blood work done on multiple occasions with no sign of a diagnosis. The big F for frustration was setting in at the helplessness of my situation. 

~I wanted to work with this next doctor on a higher level. I thought if I had started doing my own research, I could become more knowledgeable when we are having conversations about my health. I was hearing that phrase in my head, “knowledge is key.” I did feel as if my health crisis could be unlocked with the right combination. Doctor and patient working together. No one knew my body better than me. I was writing down my symptoms and looking them up. I was requesting copies of my blood work and exploring the significance of my results. 

~When the new doctor came in, I was ready with my notes. I had a pen as well for writing down what I learn from her. I had the last few blood panels with me so we could go over them together as a team. She walked in and introduced herself. She asked what I had with me so I told her. She seemed emotionless. I thought, that’s okay though. Being even keel is good for a doctor. She looked at her notes and told me her main concern was my cholesterol levels. I told her that wasn’t my main concern though, especially since it was barely outside the normal range. That was the easy fix with a better diet.

~Her face went from no emotion to one of irritation as I started talking about the other things in the blood work that indicate serious problems. I started sharing my list of symptoms with her and how they correlate to the blood panel. But, before I could finish she interrupted me. What she said I could never forget. I was totally flabbergasted. This doctor, who I was so optimistic about, said to me, “This is why I hate when patients request copies of their blood work. They start looking up things on their own and get all kinds of ideas in their heads.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

~I mean, was she serious? Did she just give me that conceited arrogant tone of voice and just dismiss me? Not only was I extremely upset but I was also hurt. Obviously, finding out why I was so sick was not important to her. It wasn’t cholesterol that was causing my horrific joint pain and swelling. I wasn’t my cholesterol that was causing me to black out. It wasn’t cholesterol that was causing this huge red bumpy rash across my cheeks and nose. There were so many other issues that a slightly elevated cholesterol level couldn’t explain. My gut was telling me to get out of that office and get yet another doctor because I was going nowhere with this one. And, to be spoken to like that! 

~After that very unpleasant appointment, I felt more determined than ever to prove to myself that everything I was going through wasn’t all in my head. Which is what I was previously told by a doctor before this one. The next doctor appointment with a new physician was on the agenda. My instincts were telling me I was gravely ill. I just needed someone in the medical field to listen. I did finally find a good doctor. He was interested in my whole health picture not just a pixel of it. He tested for everything outside the norm that was applicable. Sure enough, I got that phone call with the bad news. I. Have. Lupus. It didn’t feel good to be right but at least now, I had a name to my illness. I could start discussing treatment options. 

~Those were crazy years. That gut feeling of mine just knew I was sick. Extremely sick. I couldn’t ignore it. It consumed me. I wouldn’t accept anymore rudeness, misinformation, or lack of understanding. I lived in my body and knew when it started going downhill. I knew when something was seriously wrong and still do now. I am the only one who can advocate for myself. I could have easily given up or given in after each useless doctor visit. But, that gnawing feeling wouldn’t let me. I trust my gut. Now more than ever.  #LupusMariposa® #TrustYourGut #GutFeeling #YourInstincts #YourIntuition