Strength

“Dealing with hardship is never easy. But no matter what challenges and struggles you find yourself in, your power to overcome them is the measurement of your strength.”

~Strength is a strange thing. It has had different meanings and different phases in my life. There are times I am like “hear me roar!” and other times I have no sound. There are times when I feel I have nothing to give because of my own insecurities and pain. Other times I feel I cannot be the only one who feels what I am feeling. We are all human. We all have bad days. The beauty of strength comes when despite our faults and our pain we get up the next day to do it all again. Life that is. Chronic pain, autoimmune diseases, invisible illnesses, tend to mess with the brainwaves. The heart wants to go on. The spirit wants to fight. It is a constant tug-a-war between the emotional and the mental. Knowing what I can handle has become a source of recognition. Knowing what my shelf life is in a day has become a benchmark to not overtax the physical body. Setting boundaries is the real power though to protect from the onslaught of negativity these days.

~My strength comes to the surface when I own up to my weaknesses and seek out real change. It is not a matter of being hard on myself. More of an awakening on how to have a better Lupus life. I knew I couldn’t overextend myself anymore just to make others happy. I knew I couldn’t put off my healthcare anymore. Sometimes I am stubborn and discouraged. I don’t want to be bothered with the ER’s and hospitals. Then I realize that fighting for my care is necessary or I will have to deal with the consequences. Which is being so sick I can no longer enjoy anything. I don’t want that. It is the absolute hardest thing to do when I am depressed so bad I want to do nothing. I tend to retreat from the world and I know in my heart that is not what is best for me. It is helpful to reach out and not keep my frustrations inside, which in turn causes more stress, which in turn flares the lupus.

~Another important factor to shooting for that lupus best for me has been dealing with the fact that lupus can be idiosyncratic. Sometimes, there is no rhythm or rhyme. No upbeat. I can watch my diet, take all my meds, light exercise when I can and the wolf can still rear its ugly head. Learning that I cannot be in 100% control of my autoimmune problems when they want to do whatever they do. After all, that is why a day can’t be planned. I never know how I am going to feel tomorrow or even later today. Accepting it for what it is and making the best of it regardless. Sometimes fortitude is just getting out of bed, taking a shower, brushing the teeth just to put fresh jammies on and go back to bed. That is okay too.

~I’ve thrown in the towel on this world and on this disease many times through the last 12 years since I was officially diagnosed. Life has been hell over the past 4 years. But, it has also had it’s beautiful moments. The durability of my heart has been overcoming crippling obstacles. The sustainability has come from my spirit being broken and learning to repair it again. I could become bitter. I could become angry. But, it just is not the way God built me or how my Mother raised me. I will probably have more bad days or weeks or even months in the years to come. Knowing that is half the battle. The other half is giving the best I can to accept my life the way it is and try not to look back on glory years when I wasn’t sick. I tend to do that. Wonder where I would be if I wasn’t ill. But, being alive and thriving is not to look out the rear view mirror. It is looking forward. To possibilities. To love. To God. #LupusMariposa #LupusMariposa #Fuerte #LupusStrong #LupusLife #Lupus