Shelter

“Life is not full of sunny days. There are times one will have to deal with turbulent events and people. Hunker down with God’s love.”~Jennifer Burris

~The validity of what a person goes through cannot be measured by any device. It has been kindly mentioned to me that a person struggling with something would much rather hear from someone who has gone through it than someone who hasn’t. Only then is that person going to really understand. I thought that was totally relevant. So, thank you friends. It was a nice eye opener. I mean, if someone doesn’t have Lupus, how would they know what I am going through on a daily basis? There are many that have still never heard of it. It is not just the physical aspect of Lupus that cripples. It is also the emotional and the mental. Reinventing myself after an autoimmune thief robbed me of my identity has been the most difficult thing I have done yet. It took me 12 years to figure out that I am more than my disease.

~I remember feeling completely stunned by the news. My sister was with me the day of my diagnosis and we thought the doctor had misinformed us. I knew I was in total denial. So was my sister. I knew something was seriously wrong though when I used to be able to run 5 miles a day and now walking a block felt like hell. Up until that point, I had never considered an autoimmune disease even though they ran in my family on my Mom’s side. I had taken amazingly good care of myself. I drank lots of water daily and watched what I ate so I would stay within Navy height and weight standards. I worked out at the gym everyday. Three hours daily was my normal routine. But, Lupus is cruel that way. It just decides what it wants and takes it. No apologies.

~The next decade would be a soul searching and heartbreaking time of rediscovery. I would have to learn how to live with the new me. This strange body that is now mine. The intentional limitations that now have me restricted from my normalcy. I went through not just a physical transformation but a spiritual one as well. I would cry and wonder why this happened. I didn’t deserve such a grave sentence. No one does. It was the way the cookie crumbled for me and I would have to adjust. The next decade would not only define me but those around me. Lupus has a way of weeding out the people in your life who are not up for the long haul. I would have to deal with the skeptics, the know-it-all’s, the who has it worse, the too busy, and the downright mean.

~The downward spiral started with the alienation from others and turned into a full blown tornado. There was only one way to calm my storm. That was God. The more isolated I felt, the more God was trying to show me that He was here for me. He is strong enough to withstand the deadly winds of my self-destruction. He needed me to put my faith back in Him. God is the only way to fight my autoimmune diseases and my invisible illnesses. I know now that it is natural to go through the mental and emotional changes I did considering the losses I suffered. But, it is not natural for me to give up on life. I may not be able to control anymore what happened to my body but I can control my mind, heart, and spirit.

~I decided it was time to put my big girl panties on and fight. With God by my side I can do anything. He doesn’t want me carried off and thrown around like dust in the wind. My storm shelter is His love and grace. I am protected from ignorance and hate. His light shines through me. Life can still be a blessing. Sometimes it still gets dark when the storm clouds roll in. But, I know I am not alone anymore. I was never alone. Now that I realize that, I am stronger than ever during tornado seasons. Is it easy to have to constantly fight? No, of course not. The fact that I am fighting IS my blessing. Every storm I survive makes me sturdier. God’s will is fortified through me. I am delighted to still be here.