Be Still

~I am going off the rails. Sure, like on a crazy train as Ozzy said it in the 80’s. My track has a little kink in it or rather a big kink. I am not sure what to even call the kink if I had to give it a name. But, that kink has caused the train to derail. I’m in the aftermath part. When I know I have crashed but cannot process it. It has now become a piece of my immediate past but the pain will be added to all the other pain for the rest of my years. Questions run through my mind but I don’t even care for the answers at the moment. I am just angry. There are times I want to use the baseball bat I hide behind my door and take it to the old wooden shed in my backyard. I want to bash the crap out of it until it comes falling apart. Then I will have something I can physically see that reflects my reality.

~I called my spiritual advisor to vent and to get some advice. I told her I don’t know what I am doing anymore. One minute my adrenaline is running on pure steam and the next minute the loco choo choo train has come to an abrupt stop. I told her I don’t even know what to pray for anymore. She said it’s okay to take a break. Not to worry about what to say or do. Maybe do nothing until I get better and can hear God again. Funny thing is, my Mom had given me the same advice while she was alive. She always told me when I don’t know what to do about something , it’s better to do nothing. The ironic thing is if I was STILL long enough I would have remembered my Mom’s words. I always used to hear them. It’s sad I cannot hear her or God because of my emotional state.

~I am not used to being this furious with life. I have taken all my losses up until this point with more grace than this. I know all the usual stuff. Meditate, pray, read the bible, listen to encouraging music, find good books to read. In time, things will get better. Maybe I can only take so much though. Pressure does eventually busts pipes. Even the strongest copper is no match when the water has pierced the point of no return. It all comes gushing out along with the crap that has been stored in them. Years of backup all over the place that once was hidden away out of sight. Perhaps, it was never stored out of the mind. All it took was another trigger, another familiar horrible event to bring it back to the present.

~For my part all I can do is ride this emotional train out and see where it will take me. Will I be wiser for it? Who knows. At this point, it is all about survival. Just making it through the days. I am starting to believe not every tragic life moment has a big significant lesson to be learned. Some are just cruel for no reason. Some there is no making sense of. The more I try the more I am frustrated. So I am not trying right now. I will say that the one thing that has made a difference to me is the support from family and friends. The ones that have reached out and the ones behind the scenes that truly care. There are so many that don’t even bother. But, the ones that have brought me hope. Hope for better days even if I can’t see them now. Hope that humanity still has compassion for others.

~I know I have lost my mind temporarily but it will come back. The rage I am feeling will eventually burn out. It is actually exhausting to be in that constant state. My body can’t hold on to it much longer anyway. The next emotion will come and I will ride that out as well. I am realizing that hope without faith is like a light without a bulb. I can flip the switch but nothing will happen. I need to keep both faith and hope. It is a good combination even if I don’t know the exact numbers to crack the code right now. The sequence of numbers is not as important as the fact that they remain and are possible. So, although I am presently more mechanical, the person I am will come back. There will be light again. Just a question of when and what fuel will be left. #LupusMariposa® #LupusButterfly