Beauty Is Within
“Autoimmune diseases and all they entail, are no match for God. He will prevail.” ~ Jennifer Burris
~~~I have always hated the question “how much do you weigh?” I always reply “depends on the meds.” I laugh it off but in reality it has been a touchy subject for me since Lupus decided to join my life 10 years ago. Before Lupus, I was trained to be within Navy height and weight standards. I was a gym rat. I was in the best shape of my adult life. The first thing Lupus attacked was my heart and my joints. I developed serious tachycardia. Any physical activity would put me in stroke range. The joint pain was excruciating. My running and gym rat days were gone and overnight I put on 20 pounds.
~~~Now came the lovely medications to try and control the symptoms of my Lupus. All of them had the same side effect, weight gain. The biggest enemy of all, the Prednisone. I call myself the Pufferfish on this med. It is a necessary evil for the flare-ups. The bloated look it gives my neck and face is unrecognizable. Even my nose gets bigger. I would look in the mirror and not know who is starring back anymore. For the longest time, I would avoid going anywhere when I was on the steroids. I felt embarrassed.
~~~Next came the lovely molar rash. A prettier name is the butterfly rash which spreads across your cheeks forming bright red bumpy wings. If people didn’t know I was sick they did now. My complexion used to be smooth, even, and sunkissed. Now, I had vampire skin. I could not be in the sun. I was paler than pale which made the red rash stand out so badly. It would take years to find skincare that did not aggravate it more.
~~~And finally, the hair loss. My hair fell out in clumps. I remember crying in the shower as my hair was leaving my scalp. I cut it all off that year. My hair was all down my back and I had to chop it off up to my ears. I became extremely depressed and did not want anyone to see me. Those were dark days.
~~~My Mom was my biggest cheerleader. She would tell me I am still her “baby bright eyes.” That is what she called me ever since I was a baby. She would say it doesn’t matter what you weigh, what your skin looks like, or the length of your hair. You are still beautiful to me and more importantly to God. Those were powerful words to me that day and helped me to see that my worth does not depend on my physical appearance. I am worth more than the length of my hair, my complexion, or my weight. God wants me to know my worth is more than skin deep. It is my heart, my soul, my faith in Him. It is my kindness, my compassion, and my longing to do His will. The real beauty is God shining through me. God loves me no matter what and in the end that is all that matters. #LupusMariposa® #GodIsBeauty #KnowYourWorth #LookInsideUrself 🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋
