Checkmate

“Irreconcilable pain can destroy a person slowly and methodically. It’s like a game of chess. It takes time and skill to do so. But, in the end, time is all one has.” ~Jennifer Burris

~I started angry walking last week. I played music on my phone that reflected how I was feeling and pounded the pavement. I mean pounded. The adrenaline, and supposedly endorphins, were propelling me forward to walk harder and longer than I normally should. According to my doctor, the endorphins were suppose to make me feel happy. Yeah, not… Great for losing weight. Not great for my back or my lupus… walking like that in this heat. When I would get home and get showered, I was done for the day. My body couldn’t do one more thing. I was beat. I was done. But, the biggest problem of all, I was still raging inside. Those endorphins were nowhere to be found. The game was still on. I just lost most of my pawns walking like a maniac. My first line of defense sacrificed for what? Brief moments of numbness, I guess.

~I cannot see the two toned board right now with patterns of opportunities. I am only seeing the ones I have lost. I have no real stragedy to win this. I need to begin thinking of a better plan than punishing my body to collapsation. There are better ways to exercise if that is what I really want to do. But, I think I was enjoying the agony of overtaxing my joints. Temporary relief from what was swirling around in my head. Because for that hour or two, I felt nothing. It wasn’t until the music stopped that I came back to my real life knowing there is nothing I can do to change the past few weeks. Once again, time has moved me forward. I need a tactic to give me an advantage over this craziness. A sequence of moves to stall my opposition of frustration.

~The pain that is intangible is the hardest to reconcile. I wish I could grasp it in my hands and crush it. Watch it fall to the ground and have the wind carry it away from me forever. Such satisfaction I would find in that! I was talking to a friend of mine who said try using it to move me forward to a more advantageous position by attacking my goals. Use the same intensity as the rage. Use it for good though and not to whittle myself away. Make that to-do list and prioritize what still needs to be done. Use time to work for me. I thought about it. I could make a list of my short and long term goals. I can hang them up next to my bed like I use to. Start subconsciously infiltrating my brain by reading it every morning and every night. If I do this consistently, I could start winning the long game.

~So, now I have a strategy. I still have my other chess pieces alive and ready to use. I can see ahead to the next line of moves. Once those moves are made, I will go from there. Some chess players know their moves from beginning to end and even the ones saved for just in case. I am forming my contingency plans right now. I feel like my life is one big chess board. I’ve taken hits but I can still win.The most powerful pieces of my soul are still protected by God. Each loss is a chance to regroup. I cannot fall to defeat. My uncle would call us girls “princesas.” He would tell me to get back up and fix my crown. He would tell me to continue to fight with passion and conviction. To stand tall and press on. So, to my Tío in Heaven, thank you. I will do exactly that. Checkmate mala vida… Checkmate. #LupusMariposa® 🦋🦋🦋