El Lobo y La Mariposa

“Without the Wolf, I wouldn’t have known about the Butterfly.”~Jennifer Burris

~When the wolf came howling, I most definitely was not ready. I mean, who is? The wolf was aggressively attacking away at my body. The noises of his possessive cries sent pain all throughout my body. Pain I wasn’t used to. Pain I didn’t want. When I think back, my lupus came on like a lightswitch. One day I was me. The next day I was not. The tell tale sign was the massive swelling in my joints, horrible trouble breathing, and that wonderful (yes, I am being sarcastic) molar rash that seemed to have taken over my face. No longer did I have my cute meditarrean complexion but one now super red and raised across my cheeks and nose and super pale everywhere else. It was like, all of sudden, I was allergic to the sun. Even though autoimmune diseases run in my family, I had not heard of lupus up until this time and wouldn’t until I was finally diagnosed years later. First, I was told it was because of my high blood pressure. Then, it was female issues which doctors said I needed a total radical hysterectomy (which is a whole other host of problems.) Then, it was because of my depression and anxiety and so on and so forth. During the years of being misdiagnosed, the wolf wasted no time invading my organs. Too bad doctors couldn’t figure things out earlier. Maybe we could have stopped some of the wreckage before it started to spiral.

~When I look up the wolf it seems he/she does have some redeeming qualities but I couldn’t see past the hostility of the beast at that time. I questioned why such a thing would happen to me? Being in the military, I took excellent care of my health. Lots of water, vegetables, exercised on a regular basis. But, lupus does not discriminate. It consumes any race, ethnicity, or sex and comes on whenever it wants to. It is unrelenting in its pursuit to conquer. While my world was being turned upside down I was plunging deeper into my depression. I would say the years before I knew what was going on were my caterpillar years. I was crawling around with awkwardness trying to function daily as a normal person. Rapidly came my cocoon. I slept most days due to endless exhaustion from pain. I remember my neighbor and friend at the time asking me why I was sleeping so much. All I knew was no amount of rest seemed to restore my body. I started avoiding activities and functions. I couldn’t explain what I didn’t know and I was tired of the judgemental remarks and inapplicable advice. It was a dark time of isolation which lasted way too long. For me what followed was a complete meltdown.

~This is where it gets good though. So I would say approximately 4 years had gone by when I had finally got diagnosed. Now I had some information and medications. To learn to live with lupus is not for the weak. On the contrary, one needs to be able to deal with the constant unpredictableness of the day to day, hour to hour grind. The next 10 years I would say my wings slowly started to develop. Along the way, patterns formed on my wings as I scarred over from traumas in my past. Through my trials of revival, I began to learn more about myself than ever before. It is still a learning process. Sometimes, I feel as if I could revert back to a caterpillar or the cocoon at any time. It just depends on the situation. But, what has been my life saver is my relationship with God. It has been restored. I am a woman of faith. He has lifted me up off the ground when I could not move my feet. He has provided peace in the knowledge that He did not make me sick but rather made me whole in spirit. Having mental fortitude and emotional stability is so important when combating the wolf. Life is filled with opposites. Without the bad, I couldn’t fully appreciate the good. To all of us with invisible illnesses, remember that we all grow our wings at different paces. Mine took a little more than a decade. Take heart my friends, things will get better. Don’t let the Wolf win! #LupusMariposa #GodBLess #LupusLife #Butterflies #Cocoons 🙏🙏 #Caterpillars #LoboLoses 🦋🦋🐛🐛💜💜