Full Circle

Free Will is like a deck of cards. The hand we are dealt, we have no control over. That’s just life. But, the way we choose to play that hand is our Free Will. Choose wisely. ~~Jennifer Burris

~~~I did not truly grasp how Free Will affected not only myself but others I love. It would come full circle in a letter I wrote to my Mother a month before she passed. Obviously, I did not know she was going to die. God did though. In His infinite wisdom, a series of events would play out giving me understanding beyond my wildest dreams. Let me tell you what I have personally learned about Free Will. 

~~~When I was a teenager, I was a naive Christian. I believed that if I did everything right that all would work out the way it should. It did not. My heart was broken by decisions not of my doing, but of others. As a result, I slowly became angry with God about it. I started questioning Him about why He would let others ruin what I thought was His will for me. I began spiraling out of control and eventually became that rebellious young adult. I still had a good heart and was a good person but I had lost my way. My Mom was very sad. But, there was nothing she could do but pray for me. 

~~~Not all my decisions were bad. I did join the Navy, got married, and had my Son and Daughter. I did these things with my own Free Will but I was still not talking to God. I had enough to keep me busy in life to not think too much about it. During those years in the Navy, I did a lot of drinking and partying, burning the candle at both ends. Working hard, playing hard, spending time with the family, working out hard at the gym, my college studies, etc. As long as I was super busy, I did not have to think about God. It would take my Lupus and losing everything I thought I had achieved to bring me back to my Lord and Saviour. 

~~~Now, some would say that is not right. God made you sick. That is not a blessing. Oh, but it is. My Lord wanted me close to Him again. He had a plan for me all along, but my choices up until that point were not allowing God in. At this stage in my life, my kids were older and making decisions for themselves. I had to trust my Son and Daughter. I had to put my faith in them just like my Mom had to do for me. It was a little scary watching my kids go off into the world. Especially if they get hurt by circumstances out of their control or by the choices others would make for them. All I could do as a parent is stand by and be there for them and pray…Like my Mom did for me. 

~~~That is where the letter came in. Twenty years later, I realized the pain and worry I must have put my Mom through. God was really pressing on my heart to write that letter, like time was of the essence. So, I obeyed like He wished. My Dad just told me recently that she cried for days after she read that letter. I didn’t mean to make her cry but I am sure they were tears of of joy. My Mom knew I had finally gotten the message. Our decisions not only affect ourselves but they also affect others. Our Free Will is meant to serve the Lord. One of my favorite bible verses: Proverbs 16:9 “In our hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.”

~~~God did not want me to suffer or be in pain for so many years. I know now that it was not His doing and it was wrong for me to be mad at Him. I have asked for forgiveness for all the wasted years and all of the dumb decisions I made decades ago. Some decisions snowball from others. Some are big. Some are small. Some did affect others. I pray for direction for my Free Will that I do not hurt anyone especially since I know how that feels. I know that I am a work in progress. The concept of Free Will can be complicated and can go many different ways. This is just one way. Free Will can be a blessing or a curse. It is what we make it. 🦋   #LupusMariposa® #FreeWill #ChooseWisely