Guilt

“Lupus took me all over the place. Guilt was another stop on the choo choo train.”~Jennifer Burris

~~Lupus took me to many low dark prisons cells. One of the worst was cell block Guilt. Guilt knew how to torture my personality and destroy my soul. It knew how to suck the life from my eyes until there was nothing there but blackness where hazel used to be. Guilt kept my mind in a 6 by 8 brick cell. No chance of parole. I was going to serve a long hard time for my sins, for my part in the choices I made in my life. I made sure I paid. Not only once, but over and over again. I kept nailing myself to the cross for the same sins. Lupus was my burden to bear. It was my ultimate punishment. 

~~Unfortunately, I was so sure of this self destruction, I stayed in my prison cell for many years. Guilt is hard to break free from. My shackles were on very tight and had been on for so long. I was used to being bed ridden from the shame and the pain. I didn’t want company. No visitation, please and thank you. I was not even brave enough to look out the window to see what the sky looked like anymore. The darkness was my only comfort. This way, I could sink into it and be invisible. No one had to see me bleeding. No one had to see me crying. No one had to see me dying.

~~During my self-imposed sentence, no matter how many times I wished I was no longer here on earth, God showed me that my time was not up. Even though I kept the room pitch black, God saw me anyway. He has always seen me. I was just too busy separating us with a wall of shame and a history of guilt. When I became saved, I asked Jesus into my heart. I know He died for my sins. God was asking me “If you knew, then why are you letting the devil bring you to such a hopeless Lupus state?” I replied, “Because, I can’t forgive myself.” But, right then and there, I knew I had to. That cell block and those shackles were keeping me from being the Christian that God wanted me to be. 

~~I started to see my only way out of blaming myself for the Lupus was trusting in God. God would never purposely make me sick or punish me with an incurable disease. However, He does have plans for me that far exceed my level of understanding. I am thankful for the breakthrough. Now that I have truly forgiven myself, I am free. I am stronger for the lesson of mercy and forgiveness. Jesus didn’t die in vain. He died so that I could move on with my lupus life and do God’s will with it. It’s an amazing feeling as a Christian Lupus Butterfly to be set free from all that was so that all will be! #LupusMariposa® #NoGuilt #NoShame #FlyingFree