Royalty

“You are Royalty in God’s eyes.”~ Bridget Roche

~My beautiful sister and sweetest friend in the world was Bridget. She was a shining star even if she couldn’t see it. She battled her own fear and anxiety in order to do God’s will. She wanted others to be happy. She gave without thinking. Bridget became an ordained minister and began missionary work with woman and children around the world. Everywhere she went, she spread the joy and love of God. B could bring a smile to your face as soon as you saw her. Just because. She was a light in the dark. She burned brightly until one day she was murdered. She was murdered by her husband who coincidentally hung himself in jail. He never paid the price for his crime. This is not an episode of SVU. This is real and the pain of how I lost her hurts. It really hurts.

~My Mom would pass away 10 months before her. She would be spared the burning anger and frustration of losing her adopted daughter this way. I know that my Mom is better off not having to go through this emotional turmoil. She is in Heaven with her and they are both free from the pain of this world. My Mom’s due to her autoimmune diseases and my sister due to domestic violence. I tend to look for any distractions for their memories because of the sheer magnitude of their relatable weight. The one thing I remember in B’s death are her words, “you are royalty in Heaven.” She would say that to me when I was hurting here on earth. Our long conversations I will cherish for all eternity. I cannot bring myself to think of her decapitated head and body parts in a California lake. I can only imagine her whole in Heaven.

~I think often that the way my beloved Mom and sister lost their lives could have been me. If and when my Lupus decides to take me, it just will. And, honestly, I won’t fight it at that point. I just won’t. Auto-immune diseases are a horrendous invisible fight daily. It’s exhausting. It takes every ounce of my soul to seem functional when I have a real enemy using a wrecking ball inside my body. There are endless repercussions that tailspin off of my Lupus. Other auto-immune diseases, organ damage and shut downs, side effects from the pharmacy of medicines, mind games that the wolf will play inside my head…Let me stop this paragraph now and start an even more crushing one.

~Before I met my husband, I was in an abusive relationship. There are many gaps in my memory during this period. My mind built a protective barrier around the horrific events to protect me from myself as best it could. I remember trying my hardest to make this man happy so he wouldn’t beat me. I wanted the relationship to work so bad. I wanted my first to be my last. He was an alcoholic. He drank all the time. Anything would set him off. I would endure black eyes, broken bones, busted lips, and endless bruises on the outside. On the inside, my self-worth was erased. No memory of when I had worth in God or myself. This back and forth torture of trying to please this guy to breaking up repeatedly would end when he was driving drunk and killed himself. The first man I thought I loved died. Along with him, my preconceived notions about love. Until I met my husband.

~I sit back and think of all the lifetimes I have lived in such a short period. These few paragraphs are only a small, small part of my past. But, the lasting impacts leave impressions that are too deep to say they never existed or act like they never existed. I am far removed from that naive young woman who would fall for what someone said to validate her worth. Through the years, I have learned to accept myself and my limitations. I know that love starts with me. I know my Sis felt everything I did though. That fear for your life when your being choked out to blackness. By the time she ran from him, it was too late. The obsession started. I was able to get out of my domestic violence through my boyfriend’s death. I know that sounds awful but it is my truth. I never thought I would write about these things. I am finding therapy in writing and sharing. It is all part of God’s plan. I will dedicate my first book to my Mom. The second to Bridget. I love both of these woman. They are Royalty in Heaven just waiting for me to join them.