The Funny Bone
“Lupus Is Like When I Bash My Funny Bone. I Start Crying And Laughing Because Of The Pain. But The Joke’s On Me”~~Jennifer Burris
~~My lupus shouldn’t surprise me but it still does. Perhaps I overestimate my desire for being normal as power I don’t have. I know some of my meds will give me a superficial sense of strength that I always pay for once they wear off. But, regardless of the meds my heart still desires moments of pure living without suffering for a few hours of fun. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a stop on the pity train rather a dose of reality. The reality is I have limitations and they can change from day to day. Even moment to moment. I have learned to say maybe or I’ll try to make it to gatherings or formal functions because of the many times I have had to cancel at the last minute. Never a good feeling when I have said yes to an occasion only to disappoint myself and possibly others by not attending.
~~My 4th of July celebration was fun. I threw caution to the wind and stayed out way past my bedtime. I wanted to be with friends. I wanted to get lost in the moment. What I want and what my Lupus demands are two different things though. Maybe I should have stayed home after being released from the hospital so soon. Maybe I should not have mixed the alcohol with the antibiotics. I hardly ever drink as it is. Maybe a glass of wine every six months. I would say I don’t know what got into me but I do. Problem is that at that moment I didn’t care and I HAVE to care. I have to remember my Lupus body cannot do what other bodies do, not even for a minute. When asked how I felt the next day, I replied, “like I had been hit by a truck. All 18 wheels of it.”
~~I am not perfect. Not a perfect Christian or perfect at adjusting to my normal. Sometimes my heart skips a beat and decides not to listen to my brain. But, each lesson teaches me something new. What I am capable of and what I am not. What I should be doing for God or not. What should I do for my Lupus or not? My Dad said to me to keep a daily journal of what is going on in my life in regards to how I feel physically. As much as I like to write, I hadn’t really given it much thought to keep a daily tracker on pen and paper. It is a great suggestion. No one knows my body like me. I was actually fighting strong in the first 8 years of my lupus. Demanding doctors listen to me because I knew something was seriously wrong. I would say in the last 4 years I have grown much wearier. Now I know what is wrong with my body but there is no fixing it. No cure.
~~That’s okay. I never lose faith and that is the most important thing. To remember that God has me all ways. The back, front, sides, insides, everything. Faith is what gets me through moments like this when I feel as if I have taken one step forward but nine steps back. I can still see the top of the staircase even if there are more stairs now. The top is always in view because God knows my heart. He has seen me through my worst and at my best. He knows my love for Jesus and my gratitude for being saved. The Lord knows that I have forgiven others just as I have been forgiven through the blood of His Son. This faith of mine will not falter. I promised God that day on the beach I wouldn’t turn back again. So, forwarrrrrrd march! this soldier goes. Marching on for what is right for me, my family, my health, my friends, my community, and last but absolutely not least for my God.
