Unfiltered

~On this particular day, I had my grandson with me. We were going to see my Dad. The thing those two have in common is NO filter. They both say whatever is on their minds without thinking. With my grandson, I find it charming and refreshing. He is 5 & very honest like a kid just is at that age. With my Dad, I don’t find it as charming lol. When my Mom was alive she would keep him in line. Now, he believes he can say whatever he wants, that he has earned that right. True, we should be able to express ourselves however we wish but how we say something is everything. Once something is put into the universe, it is out there forever. Whether good or bad, it cannot be taken back. Sometimes, those words have consequences.

~I tell my grandson we are ready to go. He is ready in a flash. In fact, he has been standing by the door with his little bike just waiting & waiting. He bolts out of the house. But, before we leave he says, “Abuela, you look old today.” I felt oddly mortified. I asked him to elobrate. He tells me it’s my hair. I tell him once I get to my hairdresser it will look normal again. My baby was talking about the grey roots I had been trying to cover up. He could still see them apparently. I have not been as lucky as my Dad who has no greys at all at 70. I don’t get it. The man has a full head of hair, nothing receding & nothing grey. It seems rediculous that I have to color my roots & he doesn’t. Not that he would anyway.

~My grandson smiles and says he wants a picture of me after I get my hair done. Really? But, okay. His world is computerized & fancy. My Dad only lives a few blocks away. We get there & the first thing out of my Dad’s mouth is, “You look terrible and I mean terrible.” I thought I was doing good but geez. That is not what he was talking about though. He is talking about the 15 pounds I put back on. I lose & gain the same 15 over and over again. It depends on the meds, especially the prednisone. It depends on if I’m flaring with the lupus or my fibro. Honestly, my weight depends on a lot of things. My Dad thinks I look better when I am thinner. He notices every pound. He started in on me about my weight but became a bit too aggressive about it.

~I decided to leave until he was in a better mood. I guess he knew he went too far this time because he called to apologize. Beautiful progress. I explain where I am coming from to him. After all the work I put in just trying to look & appear normal the last thing I needed to feel was sad about my looks. He gets it & will do better next time. That afternoon I was getting it from both ends. The young & the old. From the innocent & the seasoned pessimist. I have to admit I felt defeated & tired. Like my fun balloon had been popped of all it’s wonder of what the day would bring. I know in my heart neither one meant any harm. They both love me dearly.

~Here’s the thing though. Life isn’t about looks. It’s about living up to our possibilities. About making the most of what we have with what we got. I can’t get out there & work & play like I used to. But, I can give back by trying to relate to others with autoimmune diseases, invisible illnesses, or anything else I have been through that keeps others down. I have always like to write & now I try very hard to write with God’s purpose in mind. When someone is misunderstood, confusion & doubt set in. I can educate my Dad & my grandson about Lupus which is what I am doing. Other than that, caring what others think of me is fruitless. I am not worrying about it. Whether my roots are perfectly covered up or not, I am still me. And, that is all that matters 🙂 #LupusMariposa®